I must be too annoying 4 u.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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