Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
