I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
