There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
