You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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