I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
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