i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
