I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
