My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
