Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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