If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
