If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
