I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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