You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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