Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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