Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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