He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
