I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
In America we eat man semen.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
