I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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