I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize