i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
