I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
