What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
