I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Dignity is for republicans.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
