So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
