The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
