Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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