Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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