I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
