The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
