my mouth tastes like poor choices
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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