Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
