If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize