I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
