I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
