Cold hands, warm shart.
if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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