Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
