She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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