my phone needs a breathalizer
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
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