saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
