hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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