dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So much rum. So many feels.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
