I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
