i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Randomize
