Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
