My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
