I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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