after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
