remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
