Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
