i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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