I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have fence marks all over my body
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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