Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
