He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
