wakey wakey hands off snakey
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
